When Things Fall Apart
Humboldt Redwoods SP, Six Rivers NF, Van Damme SP (CA)
Last week I celebrated another trip around the sun. I decided to give myself the gift of reflection, solace, and the outdoors. I embarked on a solo road trip to Northern California.
What a year 36 was. I experienced two losses; I lost my dad from cancer and the end of a series relationship.
Before my road trip, I had separate conversations with people about where my life was because of these two losses, the hurt I’ve been experiencing and the sense of regret, pain, and sadness I was feeling. They both recommended the book, “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chodron.
I cracked the book open the first night camping under the redwoods. Within the first two chapters, I realized that reading this book was going to bring up uncomfortable thoughts and feelings while also encouraging me to lean into them, to feel, to experience, to entertain, and to just sit there and simply be with them.
Over the last few months, I’ve been on a mission to seek out guidance and help with areas of my life that I’ve always felt were in need of improving. Therapy, reading, talking to people, and meditation are some of the ways I’ve been learning how to let go of my old habits and approaches when it comes to dealing with areas of my life such as;
Learning how to not shut down in uncomfortable situations or conversations
To work with, not against, my feelings and emotions
Being more kind to myself, developing a practice of self-compassion
Being more confident in myself within every aspect of life
One of the many things that Chodron’s book reiterated for me was that things change, nothing last forever, life is always in constant flux, from death comes rebirth. I started to think,
What out of my life needs to die so that a rebirth can take place so I may show up being more present and thankful?
After a few days of being on the road, driving around Northern California, camping, meditating, trail running, reading, thinking… more thoughts popped into my mind;
How am I showing up when starting this new chapter of my life after this trip?
How do I show up in my relationships with friends and family?
How do I show up to new relationships, new partners?
How do I show up at work, with my business partner, colleagues, and clients?
How do I show up to a new semester of teaching?
How do I show for myself during this new trip around the sun?
Like the fallen redwoods on the floor of a grove, they decompose to only nurture life around its footprint. Perhaps the ending of something doesn’t have to completely stop there, it might just need to start a new cycle of growth, a regenerative process that takes what ended and creates a new beginning—building off of the past, taking the good and leaving behind the bad.
This solo road trip, the 800+ miles of the open road and being under redwood canopies, gave me an opportunity to explore uncharted territories within myself; uncharted thoughts, uncharted emotions, uncharted ideas.
I’m coming back to San Francisco being even more aware that life is in constant flux, that death and rebirth will happen often, with or without our consent. I need to remember to be more present in the moment to appreciate what’s in front of me and to not take anything or anyone for granted. To fully show up. To continuously improve areas of my life in order to become a better version of myself. To be thankful for what I have at that moment knowing that it can all vanish in an instant.
PS, I highly recommend “When Things Fall Apart”. It provides insightful perspectives on how to look at loss, fear, sadness during difficult times. It will teach you and encourage you to step into the pain, so that we can truly grasp the mystery of the human experience.
